My posts have been few and I think probably my perfectionism has gotten in the way of writing at all. My thought process has been thus: If I can’t write long profound statements that are well researched and well-argued then why write at all? Then I realised A) no one reads them anyway and B) most blogs, other than those written by professional bloggers/journalist are littered with inaccuracies, poorly proofed, and generally represent short little brain farts. Thus I have decided to break wind with the best of them- hell what have I got to lose. Certainly not my self-respect.

So I’ve been working my business through a 90 day improvement program: that is to say, I signed up to the idea that if I worked my business hard with the intention of improving productivity that after 90 days my habits would be such that I would be in a successful groove. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not cynically denying the principle. More battling with my own demons.

There were days I should have made calls and didn’t, people I could have approached but didn’t for fear of alienating them. Classes I should have coached more thoroughly.

The reality is I’m in a constant battle with fear, anxiety and depression, a sense of being trapped and resentment for feeling completely unsupported. At the same time, I hate on myself for looking to those things as reasons for why I’m not as successful as I could be. In my defence, I’ve genuinely worked harder on my business than before I had kids and there has been some small successes come from it as a result. Queen of Sales for August in my Unit and over $2000 in sales for 2 months in a row- not too shabby. It’s just not where I’d like to be. I want more success and less struggle. Some of this I know would come if I were a little more disciplined with my work routine, more consistent in doing what I should be doing.

However, sometimes I wish I could meet more people prepared to see the potential, prepared to put in the time and effort to make more happen. I wish people would get back to me when I leave messages and not shut me down before I even start. Then I see people who I’ve tried so hard to work with, sign up under other offers and go in other directions. It is demoralising.

When will I get a break?!

I’ve hit a bit of a wall tonight, hence my pity party. I wish I could post it as a status on Facebook, fish for a few sympathy comments, somehow emotionally blackmail a few people into supporting me more, probably out of pity, but that is a pretty cynical and quite frankly shit way to engage with people. So I don’t and instead hide it in amongst a bit of a rant about how life is a struggle and the knowledge that I am forging no new frontiers.

I’ve had to start taking sleeping pills in the last few months to calm me down enough to get desperately needed sleep. Every aspect of my life has me twisted in knots- I really do need to get some kind of break. But there you have it again, I’m no pioneer! I’ll get there in the end- that I have to believe. Maybe I just need another 90 days?

In the meantime, the pity party is over, the pills are kicking in and I should really go to bed.

Tomorrow is a new day and I can only hope that this month somehow cracks it. Wish me luck.

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