I used to apologise for a lot of things. Often silently, internally and to people unaware that I was even doing it. I used to apologise for how I dressed (especially after overhearing 2 colleagues discusssing how “dressed up” I was and a raft of somewhat unflattering remakes on that particular topic). I apologised for being too loud, too opinionated, too passionate, too sensitive, too lonely, too disconnected, too negative, too exacting, too detail orientated, too resourceful, too good at my job, not good enough at my job, having too higher standards, and too imperfect.
All of this lead me to feeling bad about (and apolologising internally for) being too tired, too depressed, too anxious, too unlikable, too ostracised, too paranoid, too unlovable, too, you name it!
Slowly I began a journey of self-development, initially to undo all of my too-ness, to become more accepted, more likeable, more included. After drifting through values, awareness, an attempt to identify faults and flaws and a means to remedy them, I was struck by an epiphany.
The epiphany wasn’t the trite “I’m already perfect” mantra that get agressively spouted at anyone proposing selfimprovement. It wasn’t the “it’s everyone else, not me” denial that can be rife. Nor was it some mammoth attainment of perfection.
It was the realisation of a few things that, cobbled together, lead me to my unapologetic life.
Perfection doesn’t exist but excellence does. Self-improvement is a good thing and of incredible value as long as you acknowledge that improvement can only come from flaws. That the beauty of achievement comes from not knowing or overcoming. That there is something incredible in witnessing growth and change and improvement, of seeing how far you’ve come, to revel in your acheivements, to bask in the glory of your own capacity to strive and change, and move, and grow!
I love who I was, and I love and am proud of what I have become and am becoming. I am forever changing. I am me and I am not me. A consistent identity that is completely and paradoxically impermanent.
I release my emotional blocks and self limiting beliefs and as new ones rise to the surface I love them and confront them and release them as I learn from them- such is the power of Creatrix(R). I enjoy my insights and apply them to my life and I check my behaviour and thoughts against carefully explored values and ideals.
I no longer apologise not because I dismiss others’ concerns or feign some kind of badarse-ary, or deny my flaws.
I am unapologetic because I accept that I am human, that I make mistakes, encounter fears and am triggered by others. I am unapologetic because I act according to my values, and don’t just react to everyone and everything else around me. I am unapologetic because I ackowledge the role I play in any given situation. I am unapologetic because I refuse to take on someone else baggage. I am unapologetic because I act with integrity. I am unapologetic because I have strong boundaries that I’m willing to enforce. And I’m unapologetic because I know by living my values, clearing my blocks and acknowleding the role I play in every situation I confront, that if I’m ever to apologise it’s because I’ve stuffed up and I’m unashamed to say so and make amends.
No one is perfect, we all make mistakes but living an unapologetic life means living it all; the good, the bad, the ugly, and rolling up your sleaves to get dirty in the mess of life. Being willing to confront it. Willing to change. Willing to take responsibility for where you are and how you feel. To know that you can only control how you react to life, even when shitty things happen. To refuse to be defeated, to take charge, and to know in your heart that you have considered everything and everyone, before acting, conciously and out of choice.
When we watch others snear at us, snipe at us, we refuse to apologise because we are sound in all we do. That is the power of the examined life!
When we step back from the whirlwinds of drama and negativity, we do so unapologetically and forgive those left behind.
When we forge a life that at times feels lonely and disconnected because so few seem to understand us anymore, we do so in strength, unapologetically.
We embrace the unapologetic life, because we have worked hard to clear the space where the unapologetic life is possible.